I recently attended my son's "Winter" concert (formerly referred to as the "Holiday" concert and many years ago...."Ch****mas" concert) and of the ten songs played, only two were even closely holiday related. This made me take pause, made me consider how things have changed. In the olden days, we had "Ch****mas" parties...why, we even wished one another "M***y Ch****mas!" Imagine that? We exchanged "Ch****mas" cards, passed out candy and "Ch****mas cookies!" But, it's a new world order. No more classrooms with children snipping "Ch****mas" snowflakes or creating "Ch****mas" paper chains.
Even a trip down the greeting card aisle demonstrates how the market has changed and devolved into a least-offensive-lets-not-polarize-the-masses-kind-of-time-of-year.
And that's when the perfect solution dawned upon me.
It reminded me of the movie, Mr. Deeds, when the character Longfellow Deeds (played by Adam Sandler) dreams of selling one of his greeting card ideas to Hallmark.
That's the dream that came to me. And now I share the same dream, and believe I have stumbled upon a real solution to the holiday-labeling conundrum (feel free to contact me for a wonderful investment opportunity).
And most importantly...politically correct.
Yes, it's the perfect Greeting Card:
Front of the prototype Greeting Card Design (patent pending)
Inside of prototype Greeting Card Design (patent pending)
I needed to Beta-test my design. I parked the van next to the entrance of CVS, opened the hatch, and began peddling my wares.
"It's completely blank," said one anonymous woman (we'll call her respondent # 1), flipping the carefully folded prototype card back and forth.
"Exactly!" I answered, clapping my hands together. "Brilliant, no?"
"And how much is it?"
"Retails at $3.99."
"Where do you sign?"
"That's the beauty of it," I said. "You don't! That way no one, not even your sworn enemy can possibly be offended. Am I right? Am I right?!"
"So, you send it completely blank?" she asked, shaking her head and thrusting the prototype back into my hand.
I hastily scratched notes in my record book. Respondent #1 declined purchase.
"Excuse me, Sir." It was him (Respondent #2), disguised as a CVS manager.
"Ummm, hey," I smoothly replied.
"I understand you are selling Christmas cards in the parking," he said, arms crossed.
I covered my ears. "Did you just say Ch****mas?"
"The word. You said the word!"
"Aaaaaah! You said it again!" I fumbled for the hatch of the van, slamming it down.
"What's wrong with the word Christmas?"
"Aaaaaaahhh!" I screamed running for the driver's side door. "Okay, you win!" I shouted, throwing my prototype samples out the window, "I'll leave....just don't say that word again!"
By now, another CVS employee had joined the fray. "What's that dude's problem?" I heard him ask, as I slammed the van in reverse.
The manager shrugged. "Guess he doesn't like Christmas or something."
Zen Life and Death
6 days ago