Thursday, December 22, 2011

My Brilliant Solution to the Ch****mas Dilemma-- Patent Pending

I recently attended my son's "Winter" concert (formerly referred to as the "Holiday" concert and many years ago...."Ch****mas" concert) and of the ten songs played, only two were even closely holiday related.  This made me take pause, made me consider how things have changed.  In the olden days, we had "Ch****mas" parties...why, we even wished one another "M***y Ch****mas!"  Imagine that?  We exchanged "Ch****mas" cards, passed out candy and "Ch****mas cookies!"  But, it's a new world order.  No more classrooms with children snipping "Ch****mas" snowflakes or creating "Ch****mas" paper chains.

Even a trip down the greeting card aisle demonstrates how the market has changed and devolved into a least-offensive-lets-not-polarize-the-masses-kind-of-time-of-year.

And that's when the perfect solution dawned upon me.

It reminded me of the movie, Mr. Deeds, when the character Longfellow Deeds (played by Adam Sandler) dreams of selling one of his greeting card ideas to Hallmark.

That's the dream that came to me.  And now I share the same dream, and believe I have stumbled upon a real solution to the holiday-labeling conundrum (feel free to contact me for a wonderful investment opportunity).

It's generic.
It's inoffensive.
Socially Acceptable.
And most importantly...politically correct.

Yes,  it's the perfect Greeting Card:

    Front of the prototype Greeting Card Design (patent pending)

    Inside of prototype Greeting Card Design (patent pending)

I needed to Beta-test my design.  I parked the van next to the entrance of CVS, opened the hatch, and began peddling my wares.

"It's completely blank," said one anonymous woman (we'll call her respondent # 1), flipping the carefully folded prototype card back and forth.

"Exactly!" I answered, clapping my hands together.  "Brilliant, no?"

"And how much is it?"

"Retails at $3.99."

"No envelope?"

"Not needed."

"Where do you sign?"

"That's the beauty of it," I said.  "You don't!  That way no one, not even your sworn enemy can possibly be offended.  Am I right?  Am I right?!"

"So, you send it completely blank?" she asked, shaking her head and thrusting the prototype back into my hand.

I hastily scratched notes in my record book.  Respondent #1 declined purchase.

"Excuse me, Sir."  It was him (Respondent #2), disguised as a CVS manager.

"Ummm, hey," I smoothly replied.

"I understand you are selling Christmas cards in the parking," he said, arms crossed.

I covered my ears.  "Did you just say Ch****mas?"


"The word.  You said the word!"


"Aaaaaah!  You said it again!"  I fumbled for the hatch of the van, slamming it down.

"What's wrong with the word Christmas?"

"Aaaaaaahhh!"  I screamed running for the driver's side door. "Okay, you win!"  I shouted, throwing my prototype samples out the window,  "I'll leave....just don't say that word again!"

By now, another CVS employee had joined the fray.  "What's that dude's problem?" I heard him ask, as I slammed the van in reverse.

The manager shrugged.  "Guess he doesn't like Christmas or something."


  1. Wow, Joey, you have -- in a very clever way -- elucidated the "result" of the sanitization, politicization, abstraction, deconstruction, and despiritualization of CHRISTmas. The "blank" card; perfect. In its "blankness" one might conjure freshly fallen snow, a pure spirit, the "clean slate" of forgiveness. But no. In today's climate of "anything goes," "nothing goes," you have depicted -- in one little, blank card -- what some people work so hard at making CHRISTmas become; a wasteland of nothingness, void of thought, spirituality, communication, love. It's all becoming just a "blank" -- nothing on the outside worth anything. Nothing on the inside. Just a "holiday," a "happy" one. Nicely done, my friend. By the way, when I buy my box of blank cards from you, outside CVS, I'm going to write "Merry Christmas -- Peace of Christ" in mine! See you Wednesday! Nice job! Johnnie

  2. Who's thumb is that in the picture?

  3. Dear Anonymous-

    The thumb is mine. I used to be a thumb model (see Hitchhiker, season 1).

  4. Okay- that was hilarious! I was cracking up from the moment I started reading about the holiday concert. I think the protype is genius- considering that everything has to be so bland these days. I had a breath of fresh air the other day (before Christmas) when I was out and about and an elementary age boy said to me, "Merry Christmas." When I said it back- he told me he was Jewish. So, I wished him a Happy Hanukkah and he smiled and said thanks. What a pleasant exchange!

    Anyway- you have a witty sense of humor and you always make me laugh. Thanks for sharing!